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WankerAnchor
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Name: Jordan
Country: United States
State: Oklahoma
Metro: Oklahoma City
Birthday: 1/16/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: computers, people, people who are really computers, computers who are really people, politics, non-religion, music, dairy products, tape decks, being super cool all the time, slapping hoes, loving you, looking danger in the eye and telling him to screw a goat.
Expertise: i'm a super duper programmer with other various skills, such as making amaretto sours, drinking amaretto sours, being amaretto sour, and playing the piano.
Occupation: Computer related (Internet)
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  funkwoman116
Member Since:
9/23/2004
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I just had an epiphany. I enjoy doing a lot of things, but mostly, fear holds me back from doing what I really want (and need, more importantly). I'm not sure how it's happened, but the last two mornings, I have had sudden shifts, epiphanies, clarity of vision (I think). All of a sudden I'm not so afraid, not worried, not held down. I've been sensing a shift since probably about 2 months ago (all of this being catalyzed greatly by the move to Denver)...a shift from negativity, to stasis, to now positivity and fearlessness.
I mean, that's a bit bold. But it's my very opinion of it - its occurrence to me - that will make it so.
Drugs don't have anything to do with it, although that would have probably brought all of this on much sooner.
I know someone who recently decided to live his life unashamed and unabashed. He's sexy, mostly because of this. And he's ... 'evolving' faster than most people. He's sexy, also because of this.
I'm getting bored. I'm doing some interesting things to keep myself occupied, but it's not enough. I'm really really hungry. I have a need to keep things in order, but the more I get things in order, the more restless I become.
I am considering going back to school. I'll only do it if I can do some sort of research or special program at a badass school with lots of challenges. I have been pestering MIT to accept someone with horrible grades and an obvious and blatant distaste for lazy-ass, theoretical formal education and academia. And I'm going to keep doing so. And I may regret it later.
The other night, someone actually pushed me to do something. This hasn't happened in YEARS. I have a lot of self-motivation, but sometimes, when fear and doubt holds you down, you need a kick in the ass.
Something that has bothered me over and over and over since seeing the "real world" for what it is - I am sick and tired of mediocrity.
I can't put this anxiety into words, but I have the distinct feeling that I don't have long to live (true whether I die today or in 100 years) and so far, I haven't found what I'm looking for. I haven't found it in religion, spirituality, physics, math, music, sports, machines, romance. I would take offence if you said that I'm searching for something and haven't found it, though....because I've heard that before and it was always from someone who thought they knew what I was searching for. "You need Jesus/Mohammed/Buddha/Yeshua/Spock/Heisenberg." Actually, I think I need something bigger than all of those concepts put together. I need the very thing that people really need when they settle for the convoluted 'answers' found in these earthly religions (science included).
I think I need something that I'll never find, and maybe that's the most beautiful thing that truly keeps people alive.
The search for purpose? I think that might be it. Purpose. And nothing feels truly purposeful. I miss my deep-thinking, well-read friends right now, because probably something has occurred to you that hasn't occurred to me. Probably, a few of you are reading this right now, and you're now obligated to offer your opinion :)
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| Wow, the new Xanga interface SUCKS. Go back to design school you tarts.
Okay, so I have something to say. It might piss people off; it might be too incendiary for public posting, but I don't care....it's on my mind and I haven't riled anyone up in quite some time.
I recently came to the realization that (or, In My Honest Opinion) religion or anyone who subscribes to a certain religion or spirituality...is so unbelievably pretentious and full of hubris that THAT alone can be the only thing that is truly damning or blasphemous. Here's why I think this -
The Universe is huge. Like, FUCKING HUUUUGE. We can't even see all of it and yet we can see billions upon billions of galaxies, which each holds billions upon billions of stars which are surrounded by even more planets (like our star, the Sun, and all these planets in this solar system.) It is absolutely absurd to think that we are alone, that we are the first, that we are the last, etc. This may not seem to be related to religion, but it is.
Religion puts man at the center of the universe. I'm sorry, but it does not put God at the center, it puts man there. I'm not even sure that I can explain this because it's based on years of thought and reflection and study, but the best I can explain is to say that if it were not so much about man, it wouldn't be written TO men. What makes anyone think that the creator of the Universe has anything to say to Man? Why wouldn't this force speak only to hippos? What makes us so special? I think it's just that we have this thing called TooBigForOurBritches syndrome. We think we're pretty damn awesome. We think we're pretty damn smart. In fact, we happen to be the most cocky yet ignorant beings on our planet. Nature has an order, a way of doing things. It has done this for billions of years (at LEAST) and we don't understand the half of it. However, any time we begin to think that we understand it, we try to manipulate it into doing things for us, because we don't think it was perfect enough. This was the Fall of Man that you will read about in many mythologies, Christianity of course being the most prominent in our culture at this time. It was the beginning of agriculture; the moment that man decided "nature is not good enough, it has evil, but I will make it good" through tilling the land, laboring, etc. (Note: If you believe that Adam and Eve were literally the first man and woman, please stop reading this and go back to sleep.)
So we fell. We thought we gained the knowledge of good and evil, we stopped respecting Nature (what the ancients called God), and it punished us for that. It doesn't have intent or love or hatred or good or evil. It simply has order, it simply IS. It is only sentient and aware insomuch as what is composed of it is sentient and aware. And really, how can you call Man aware or sentient? That in itself is pretty damn cocky.
Agriculture was just the beginning. That was approx. 10,000 years ago...but we've done a lot to fuck things up since then. This isn't a polemic about what we've done to nature though. It's a thought on WHY we did it to nature. We did it to nature because we got too big for our britches. We thought our way was better, even though we have absolutely no framework to work within other than nature itself. In a way, we can't possibly do anything that is unnatural, but we can sure go against the order of things and introduce more entropy and negative work.
I think it would be really boring to sit around all day and pick fruit and eat it, maybe make a poop mustache or two. But then sometimes you'd have to run from predators and stuff - that would break up the monotony. "Another leopard? But I'm tired and today's Oprah is just getting good." Man that would be awesome. Yes, please, finish Oprah!
Regardless of how boring or uncomfortable it may seem to us now, that was paradise. It really was. Life wasn't seen as something that we have the right to demand. We had no rights apart from what Nature graciously gave to us, and we realized that and were thankful for it. That's where worship began...if you don't know why or how you got here, but you know that there's this thing around you that provides for you and keeps you warm, makes the plants grow, feeds the animals...you'd be pretty awe-struck. If you were close to it every day and saw the natural, perfect order of everything, you would worship it; you would have no choice.
Now, that's one state of living. Where did we start attributing names and faces and other anthropomorphic qualities to this Order? Well, I guess it was pre-Egyptian...pre- a lot of things. We had no concept other than what we saw around us, so surely there was some big dude in the sky, or a big dragon, or a bunch of creatures with Earthly qualities like eyeballs and such. At some point we realized that our particular type of life is pretty unique...I mean the human-like, carbon-based, water- and light-loving life. But at that point, we didn't say "Oh, so maybe our mythologies are nothing more than cute, feeble attempts to explain that which we don't understand and have little hope of understanding. WE don't know anything at all! Rejoice!"
No, instead we developed even more intricate and oppressive mythologies (most likely to restore order and community, establish nationalism, etc)...I'm pretty sure some of those early dudes were on to the absurdity of what they were telling people, but people are sheep and love to be told what to do, so it didn't matter how absurd it was!
Interjection: My understanding of early Judaism agrees with my view of the Infinite, the Universe, Nature, Order, whatever you want to call it...and that's the point, you can call it anything you want and yet you will never understand it. You can only be in awe of it. You cannot attribute qualities to it, because your ignorance keeps you from being accurate. You can dream up whatever you want, whenever you want, in order to make yourself feel good, to make you feel like you belong to something bigger, to make you feel less afraid of the unknown...but the news is that you will NEVER understand or know it. Perhaps when this body ceases to produce energy, something else spectacular will happen....but why on earth would you think that?
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The more I read this, the more I realize that I can't hope to communicate what's going through my head. I may continue posts like this until I can find some order or organization in what I'm trying to say, and then condense it, cite my sources, provide explanations and definitions. It's really hard to filter years of work and thought into a blog entry, so I'll have to make an outline of what I'm trying to say and go from there.
The truth is that I don't really even want to talk about it, but I find that communicating it raises more questions, objections...shows me what I believe and what I don't, allows for more refinement. If I'm totally wrong on this one, I'm not too worried about it. I am still learning.
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In summary, my current "understanding" and appreciation of this Universe, the Order within, and the possibility of some sentient force being behind it is more than enough to make me live in absolute awe of life and the possibilities that every day holds. To draw any conclusions about life from it, though, would be a tragedy - a tragic choice that many/most people make (it seems). I've been searching for this comfort all my life, and I have found it only when I step back and admit that I know nothing, and that in fact there may be nothing TO know. This kind of brings into perspective the whole 'living in the moment' thing, although I'm a long way away from being able to do that all the time. I seem to be conditioned to this horseshit Western/American way of thinking and living. I'm in a constant battle, not with my nature, but with the environmental influences that I have been bombarded with since I was born. I am having to unlearn almost everything I think I know; having to re-evaluate everything I thought was locked away in an Answer Box somewhere, checked off of my list of things to figure out.
And I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. This is what we were meant to do, even if we really have no meaning or purpose ( I really don't think we do...but that's not depressing or sad, it's refreshing and freeing. )
Once again, a lunatic rambles.
Cheers
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| I can't believe how long it's been since I made a Xanga post. I guess I just haven't felt the need to express myself as much in a public forum; probably because I'm afraid of the public forum now.
Since the last post in the fall, I've had a psychotic stalker, seen a friend commit suicide, traveled quite a bit, won contests, succeeded, failed, written music, designed, created, destroyed. I've also developed a new enthusiasm for firearms, although I won't be keeping them around - I think they're beautiful pieces of engineering magic, and they're damn sexy, but I think they're one of the worst things ever created.
I'm getting more quiet. I think I'm getting more comfortable in general. I prefer to stay in and read, listen, play. iTunes U is a wonderful thing - audio and video podcasts from some of the country's best universities. Astrophysics podcasts from MIT? Yes, please!
I'm just so tired of the games people play. The fight for popularity, all the needless wanking to get attention or to get "ahead." I may be getting cynical as I get older, but I've had it with ezines and MySpace and your stupid blog about fashion and music that is at least 6 months behind. Everyone has an opinion, but most of the time they seem to be completely unoriginal and contrived. I used to think that people who talked about things actually did them...and wow, I was so wrong - it's completely the other way around. People who are doing don't have time to talk. I've come to respect the quiet people who do amazing things and go on with their lives. It seems that in order to pull this off, you have to really be doing what you love; it can't be forced, it can't be done for the sake of saying you did it. It has to be done because you love it more than anything.
I think I'm coming into this more as I realize and accept what it is I really love. It's not computers, it's not technology; it's anything that I can take apart, hack, modify, put back together. It's code, it's hardware, it's guns, it's music, it's cars, it's my mind, the Universe, conversation, and sometimes people (not in the physical sense). I thrive on perfection and precision, and that is one reason I have an interest in just about everything. I love knowledge and I love experience. I think that in the next few years, governments will be looking for me...hopefully not to kill me, but to hire me :) I'm only halfway kidding.
I've also been going through and writing down things I want to do...in the next few years, before I die, etc. Seeing this list makes me wonder how I can ever feel "bored," but I suppose that boredom for me is either depression and a lack of motivation, or just fatigue (which are probably related). One thing I try to remember is that if I can just get started, I'll be fine, but I happen to be the worst procrastinator ever. Like right now, I should be writing code for a big deadline for a big project, but I'm writing on Xanga instead. It kills me to know that I have never fully reached my potential in anything I've ever done. I'm getting there though, and not by being hard on myself, but letting myself be human and make those mistakes and learn from them. I'm still only 24 after all, even though that seems really old to me...but I have plenty of time to make more mistakes :)
I'm going to get a tattoo: "Ancora Imparo" which means "Still I learn" or "Still I am learning" in Italian. Michaelangelo was quoted as saying this when he was 87 years old. That's after he was a badass all up in the Sistine Chapel...after his strong pimp hand slapped the world upside the head. Da Vinci is my hero, but Michaelangelo is up there too...and I want a constant reminder that I never know all the details and that I will always be learning.
I didn't intend for this post to be so long...I need to get back to work.
But first, please check out this music if you haven't already: http://www.myspace.com/fontainesounds
Give me feedback. I've heard a lot of really good feedback already, and I welcome it. These songs were really really off the cuff and were not edited at all (performed completely live, in my living room, and recorded straight to what you hear) but I put them up to encourage myself to improve upon them and hopefully get good ideas from other people.
Cheers!
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| Being away from Oklahoma for a few weeks really puts things in perspective - and at the same time skews everything even more. I can't decide if I want to live in Oklahoma forever, or just never go back.
I'm tired of the ignorant Midwest, the lack of/small amount of diversity and culture, the distractions that people create for themselves...but then again, those things are just about everywhere in varying degrees, so I don't think things will ever be perfectly comfortable. I do need to be around more MIND, a more aware and alive noosphere. As much as I like Oklahoma and don't think it sucks, I feel it's tapped for now, for what I need to do with myself...but I miss it and it is comfortable. But I feel that reason alone is enough to convince me that I should run away as fast as possible.
For the first time in all of my headplans, Europe is a major option. Adobe Consulting in Edinburgh might want my skillz, and I might hook them up. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING FOR SURE THOUGH SO DON'T GO THINKING THAT I'M MOVING TO EUROPE. I just think it would be great and if I wanted to badly enough, I'd be there tomorrow.
I miss a lot of people right now and I'm looking forward to going back to Oklahoma, at least for a minute.
If you guys happen to know who Daniel Pinchbeck is ... I met him yesterday and had cofffee and conversations, and the dude is really cool. I'm increasingly interested in what's happening beneath the surface, taking it from the perspective of quantum physics, psychedelic shamanism, mysticism, metaphysics, spirituality, religion, and so on, and this guy seems to be hooked on the same set of interests. I left the meeting feeling pretty strange and almost anxious, and went back to the apartment and laid down some beats and a bassline, which I haven't felt compelled to do in a really really really long time. It was the only thing I could do at the time and it was weird. Anyway, the coolest thing I took away from the conversation is a new mantra, "It's the best day ever."
Cheers, and have the best day ever.
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| hopefully it's obvious...the last post was not meant for public consumption. I guess at 2am I'm not good at distinguishing between the words 'public' and 'private.' please forget everything you read because it probably isn't true anyway.
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